A common struggle I see in couples therapy is the feeling of not being heard. When partners talk, they often jump to problem-solving, defending, or correcting the details of what was said. While understandable, this often leaves the other person feeling dismissed or alone.
This is where validation comes in. Validation doesn’t mean you agree with everything your partner says. It simply means you acknowledge their perspective and show that their feelings make sense given their experience. When couples practise validation, many conflicts resolve before they even begin—because when someone feels truly understood, the need to fight for their point of view often fades away.
For example:
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Instead of: “You’re always so sensitive about everything.”
Try: “I get that this feels like a big deal for you. I can see how it would.”
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Instead of: “That’s not what happened. You’re overreacting."
Try: “I can see why that was upsetting for you.”
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Instead of: “That’s not what I meant, you’re twisting my words.”
Try: “I didn’t mean it that way, but I can see how it might have come across like that.”
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Instead of: “Why are you making such a fuss about something so small?”
Try: “Even though it seems small to me, I can see it had a big impact on you.”
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Instead of: “You’re wrong, that’s not how it happened.”
Try: “My memory of it is different, but I understand why you saw it that way.”
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Instead of: “You’re overreacting.”
Try: “Given how much you care about this, it makes sense you’d react strongly.”
Another part of validation is looking for the grain of truth in what your partner is saying. Even if you see things differently, there’s often at least one piece you can agree with. Focusing on points of agreement helps you stay connected and prevents the conversation from turning into a debate about who’s right.
A few practical ways to use validation with your partner:
1) Listen fully before responding. Resist the urge to jump in with solutions or defences.
2) Name the feeling. Try phrases like: “You sound really hurt,” or “That must have been frustrating.”
3) Find the grain of truth or points of agreement. Look for something you can agree with, even if it’s small: “You’re right that I was distracted when you were talking.”
4) Normalize the experience. Remind your partner that their feelings make sense: “Given what you went through, I can see why you’d feel that way.”
When couples practise validation, conflicts tend to soften. Both people feel heard and respected, which makes it easier to work through differences together.
Validation isn’t about being right—it’s about staying connected. And often, that’s what matters most.
