Understanding the “Demon Dialogues” in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy
In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), many couples discover that they’re not actually each other’s enemy—the real problem is the cycle they get stuck in. In her book, Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson calls these repetitive conflict loops the “Demon Dialogues.” They’re predictable patterns that pull partners apart, even if both care deeply about the relationship.
The Three Demon Dialogues
1. The Protest Polka
This pattern shows up when one partner reaches out—sometimes with feedback, frustration, or questions—while the other withdraws to avoid conflict.
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Example: One partner says, “Why don’t you ever talk to me?” The other shuts down, hoping to keep the peace.
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Result: The more one pushes, the more the other retreats, leaving both feeling misunderstood.
2. Find the Bad Guy
Both partners start pointing fingers and keeping score.
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Example: Arguments become about who’s wrong: “You never help out!” “Well, you’re always nagging!”
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Result: Blame replaces connection, and both partners feel defensive and alone.
3. Freeze and Flee
Both partners start to pull away emotionally to protect themselves.
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Example: Conversations become superficial, and difficult topics are avoided altogether.
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Result: The relationship feels distant, and the lack of engagement becomes its own source of hurt.
Why Do These Cycles Happen?
These patterns don’t necessarily arise because one partner is “the problem.” They tend to emerge from a mix of factors that shape how partners respond to stress, conflict, and emotional disconnection. Common contributors include:
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Personality differences: Partners may have different comfort levels with conflict, needs for structure, or ways of expressing emotions. What feels like openness to one may feel overwhelming to the other.
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Communication styles: Some people lead with logic, others with emotion; some prefer to talk things through immediately, while others need time to process. These differences can unintentionally trigger misunderstandings.
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Emotional sensitivities: Past experiences—such as feeling dismissed, criticized, or abandoned—can sensitize someone to specific cues. Even small moments can feel bigger when they tap into old wounds.
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External stressors: Parenting demands, work pressure, financial strain, or health challenges can reduce patience and emotional capacity, making couples more vulnerable to falling into negative cycles.
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Attachment needs and fears: Concerns about closeness, rejection, or losing connection can intensify reactions in conflict, even if those fears aren’t obvious on the surface.
Often, it’s the interaction between these factors—not the factors themselves—that produces a Demon Dialogue. When stress, personality, communication habits, and emotional triggers collide, couples can unintentionally create patterns that feel automatic, reactive, and hard to change without support.
How EFT Helps Couples Break the Cycle
EFT aims to slow down these patterns so both partners can see the cycle as the enemy—not each other. In therapy, couples learn to:
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Recognize when they’ve fallen into a Demon Dialogue
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Understand the underlying fears, longings, and contributing factors driving their reactions
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Communicate these deeper emotions in a safer, more connecting way
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Build new conversations that foster closeness, trust, and responsiveness
By transforming the cycle, partners move from reacting in fear to reaching for each other with openness and clarity. Over time, this creates a more secure and resilient bond—one where difficult moments become opportunities to reconnect rather than drift further apart.
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