A common cycle I see in couples therapy is the demand–avoidance loop. It often unfolds like this: one partner feels something isn’t getting done and begins demanding change. The other partner, feeling pressured, withdraws, avoids, or resists. This avoidance then triggers even more demanding, which in turn fuels more avoidance. It’s a cycle that feeds on itself, leaving both partners frustrated and disconnected.
The key to understanding this pattern lies in the psychology of demand versus trust. When we feel demanded to do something, the brain often perceives it as a threat to autonomy. Instead of motivating us, it can actually create an inherent aversion to the task. Even if we care about our partner, being told we must do something can stir up resistance, resentment, or procrastination. In short, pressure often backfires.
On the other hand, when we feel trusted with something, the experience is very different. Trust signals respect. It says, “I believe you’re capable and that you care enough to follow through.” Psychologically, this taps into intrinsic motivation—it allows the person to act from their own sense of responsibility and care, rather than out of compliance. When people feel trusted, they are far more likely to step into the task willingly and often with more energy than if they were pressured.
This is why the solution to the demand–avoidance cycle will never be “more demanding.” You can issue ultimatums, but these come with pros and cons and should only be used if you’re prepared to follow through. Otherwise, they erode trust.
A more powerful, though counterintuitive, option is to build trust. Use what John Gottman calls a soft startup: bring up concerns gently, respectfully, and without blame. State what you need clearly, then step back and trust your partner to take it from there. It may not look exactly how you’d do it. It may not be on your timeline. But more often than not, couples discover that when trust replaces pressure, their partner feels respected, and motivation grows from within.
This doesn’t mean you’ll always get perfect results—patience is often required—but you may find yourself pleasantly surprised at how much more your partner is willing to show up when they feel trusted rather than demanded. Over time, this shift can break the cycle and replace it with a healthier rhythm of collaboration and mutual respect.
