When something in our life feels uncertain or painful — especially in relationships — it’s easy to get caught in loops of overthinking. You might replay the same conversation, try to decode someone's tone, or search for hidden meanings behind someone’s behaviour. It can feel like you’re problem-solving, but sometimes what’s really happening is rumination.
Rumination is the mental replay of distressing thoughts without reaching any new insight or action. It tends to deepen anxiety and sadness, rather than offering clarity or relief. The tricky part? Most people don’t even realize when they’re doing it.
Why Self-Awareness Is So Difficult
Rumination often hides beneath the appearance of reflection or “trying to understand.” The mind hunts for answers, yet when none bring relief, we find ourselves circling the same track of thought. Self-awareness takes practice because these thought loops feel automatic, especially when emotions like fear, guilt, or uncertainty are strong.
Building Awareness of Rumination
Start by noticing what rumination feels like:
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Your thoughts replay rather than move forward
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You feel more upset the longer you think about it
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You’re looking for certainty in a situation that may not offer it
When you catch yourself stuck, label it gently:
“I'm circling around and around — this isn’t helping anyone or the situation. I need to step back and re-evaluate my reaction to this situation.”
This simple statement shifts you from being in your thoughts to observing them, which opens space for choice.
Other tools for building awareness include:
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Mindfulness practice: Even brief moments of stopping and practicing intentional self-awareness can help you observe thoughts without getting swept away.
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Journaling: Writing out your thoughts helps you recognize repetitive patterns and identify triggers.
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Body check-ins: Rumination often shows up physically (feeling on edge, tight chest, restlessness, etc). These cues can remind you to pause, breathe, and reflect.
From Rumination to Problem-Solving
Once you’re aware you’re ruminating, ask:
“Is there something I can realistically do about this situation?”
If the answer is yes, shift toward problem-solving:
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Define the problem clearly. (What exactly needs to change?)
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Brainstorm specific actions. (What steps could help?)
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Evaluate what’s within your control.
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Choose one manageable step and commit to trying it.
This moves thinking from circular to directional — from replaying to planning.
From Rumination to Acceptance
If the situation is outside your control — such as someone else’s choices, the past, or uncertain outcomes — problem-solving can become another form of rumination. In these cases, acceptance is the healthier path.
Acceptance doesn’t mean liking or approving of what’s happening. It means acknowledging reality as it is, rather than fighting what can’t be changed.
Ways to practise acceptance include:
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Radical Acceptance: the practice of meeting reality as it is, not as you wish it to be, and finding peace in the simple act of saying “I don't like it, but I accept the challenge to make the best of it."
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Compassionate self-talk: “It’s understandable that I’m struggling with this uncertainty.” May I be kind to myself and give myself what I need.
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Values-based focus: Turn your attention to how you want to show up in this situation — with patience, honesty, or care — instead of trying to control the outcome.
Finding the Right Balance
The goal isn’t to never think about difficult situations, but to recognize when reflection turns unhelpful. Some problems need action; others need acceptance. The more you build awareness of your thought patterns, the more easily you can choose which direction to take.
If rumination has become overwhelming or persistent, working with a therapist can help you develop these skills and find a healthier balance between understanding, problem-solving, and letting go.
