One of the most common issues that brings couples into therapy is communication breakdown. Even couples who love each other deeply can find themselves stuck in cycles of blame, defensiveness, or emotional distance. A powerful way to break that cycle is through the Gottman soft start-up—a research-backed technique that helps partners raise concerns without triggering conflict.
What Is a Soft Start-Up?
Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the soft start-up is a way of bringing up an issue with your partner gently and respectfully, rather than starting with criticism or blame. According to Gottman’s research, the first three minutes of a conversation can predict how the discussion will end. Harsh start-ups—those that begin with attacking language—tend to end in arguments or emotional withdrawal. Soft start-ups, on the other hand, increase the chances of feeling heard and solving problems together.
How to Use a Soft Start-Up
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Start with “I” Statements
Express your own feelings instead of pointing fingers.
Example: “I feel overwhelmed when things pile up around the house.” -
State a Positive Need
Say what you do want, not just what you don’t.
Example: “Could we try setting aside 10 minutes each night to tidy up together?” -
Be Gentle and Calm
Choose your moment wisely, avoid raised voices, and use body language that communicates openness. -
Avoid Blame and Criticism
Focus on the behaviour, not your partner’s character.
Instead of “You’re so lazy,” try “I feel frustrated when chores fall to me alone.” -
Stick to One Issue
Resist the urge to bring up past grievances or unrelated problems.
Why It Matters in Couples Therapy
In therapy, we often help couples unpack years of built-up resentment and conflict. The soft start-up gives partners a tool to shift the emotional tone of these conversations, making it safer to be vulnerable and honest. It’s not just about being “nice”—it’s about creating the emotional conditions where real change and connection can happen.
How Couples Therapy Can Help
Couples therapy offers a space to:
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Practise soft start-ups with support and guidance.
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Identify patterns of harsh communication and replace them with healthier alternatives.
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Learn to respond to each other with curiosity instead of defensiveness.
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Rebuild trust and emotional safety through respectful dialogue.
Even small changes in how partners talk to each other can have a big impact on the health of a relationship. The soft start-up is a great place to begin.
