I want to introduce a non-therapy concept that can help us understand "unequal relationship" dynamics better: moral hazard. In economics, moral hazard describes what happens when people change their behaviour once they know someone else will bear the cost of their risks. While the term comes from insurance and finance, the idea applies surprisingly well to relationships. Moral hazard, in couples relationships, happens when one partner changes their behaviour because they know the other will absorb the consequences. This often looks like one person taking on more responsibility—whether emotional, financial, or practical—while the other unconsciously relaxes their effort, trusting the relationship will “cover” for them. Over time, this imbalance can create resentment in the partner carrying more and defensiveness in the partner relying more, leaving both feeling the relationship is unfair. Over time, this dynamic erodes balance, appreciation, and trust.
The Cycle of "Moral Hazard" in Relationships
The dynamic usually follows a familiar pattern:
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Initial imbalance: One partner steps in more—taking on extra chores, carrying emotional labour, managing finances, or handling childcare. Often this begins with goodwill or necessity.
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Behavioural shift: The other partner adjusts, consciously or unconsciously, by doing less. They may assume things are handled, or feel comfortable leaning on their partner’s consistency.
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Growing resentment: The partner doing more begins to feel taken for granted. What once felt like generosity now feels like an expectation.
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Protective withdrawal: The resentment leads to less emotional warmth, less intimacy, or even small acts of resistance (“Why should I keep trying if they don’t notice?”).
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Escalation: The partner doing less may feel unfairly criticized or micromanaged, and a defensive cycle begins. Both partners feel like the “wronged one” in different ways.
The Story of Alex and Sarah
Alex and Sarah have been together for eight years. In the early years, they divided household tasks fairly evenly. When Sarah’s work became more demanding, Alex quietly began picking up more of the slack at home—cooking dinner, handling laundry, paying bills. At first, Sarah was grateful and relieved. But over time, she began assuming those things would be taken care of.
Alex, meanwhile, started to feel like a background worker rather than a partner. He noticed Sarah scrolling on her phone while he folded laundry late at night. He stopped mentioning the effort he was putting in, but inside he began to stew: “She doesn’t even notice what I do anymore.”
Eventually, Alex’s frustration came out in sharp comments: “Must be nice to relax while I’m doing everything around here.” Sarah, feeling blindsided, bristled: “I never asked you to do all this. Why are you acting like a martyr?”
Now both felt misunderstood—Alex as the unappreciated one, Sarah as the unfairly accused one. Their arguments weren’t really about laundry or phone time; they were about the invisible contract that had shifted between them without discussion.
Breaking the Cycle
The “moral hazard” in relationships doesn’t come from malice—it comes from how people naturally adjust their behaviour when consequences are softened. Sarah knew Alex would step in, so she unconsciously let herself off the hook. Alex absorbed the cost, but resentment grew when his efforts weren’t recognized.
To change the pattern, couples need two shifts:
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Restoring accountability
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Both partners must take ownership of their role. For Sarah, that meant recognizing the way she had gradually withdrawn from shared responsibility. For Alex, it meant acknowledging that by silently picking up more, he unintentionally reinforced Sarah expecting less from herself.
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Rebuilding appreciation
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Gratitude is a powerful antidote to resentment. Sarah began actively noticing and naming Alex’s contributions, while Alex practised sharing his needs directly rather than waiting until frustration boiled over.
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The Takeaway
Moral hazard in relationships isn’t about one partner being “bad” and the other “good.” It’s about how love and habit can blur accountability. When one person absorbs too much of the cost of daily life, the relationship begins to tilt. Naming this dynamic allows couples to correct course—not by eliminating support, but by ensuring support doesn’t erase responsibility.
